|
|
Saturday, August 18th, 2007
|
|
|
|
As usual things turn horrible in my life. A girl I was best friends with is getting married in November. We had always said that she was going to be my maid of honor and I was going to be hers. But I guess things change. She is doing all this wedding stuff with some one else. We went through so much shit together. But now she doesn't want to include me. I don't evern think I have any friends anymore. No one calls me except to see if I have any pot or know where to get any. I start school next week. I actually want to go. But it seems pointless really. I won't be working as much. Which means alot less money. And I don't have any friends that I met at school. So why bother with it. I am not going to go anywhere in life. I am too fucking scared to do anyhthing. My oldest sister recently moved back home. She has already managed to find a new boyfriend. And never has any time to spend with me. She would rather hang out with her old friends and talk to him all the time and go to his house for days at a time. It seems like I just don't even exsist anymore in my family. My boyfriend is meeting with his cousin and his girlfriend to disscuss plans about him moving to Vegas if it ever where to happen. And I am not even invited to go. Like it just isn't going to affect me in any way. It feels like he doesn't even want me his life. We have been fighting alot about stupid shit. And today he told me "I hope I can move. The sooner I do the sooner I can stop putting up with your fucking horseshit". I do love him. But I don't think that over the past almost two years he has ever loved me. I think he might just feel sorry or whatever for me and that is why he stays with me. And the pathetic part about everything is I don't have anyone to talk to except this fucking thing. My old best friend was the only person I really ever cried to about the fucked up things in our lives. But now I don't think we are even that close. Now I just wait till I am alone to cry. But I can't even do that anymore because I always fell like I just want to fucking get it all over with. It would make it easier on so many people. My other sister and brother wouldn't have to worry about fighting with me anymore. My parents would have less money problems. and my boyfriend wouldn't have to be so miserable being with me. I just feel so lost. No one to talk to about every fucked up thing clogging my mind. I can't think anymore. Why bother with anything? It's all so fucking pointless. He won't ever love me the way I do him. My parents won't ever care about me as much as they do my siblings. My sister won't ever give up her current fuck to spend some time with me. Everything I have ever done has just been utterly pointless. Being alone in all aspects just seems better.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
|
|
|
|
1 more week!!!!!!! This is the only thing I am looking foward to.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, March 1st, 2007
|
|
|
It seems a few people are just dissappointed whenever I am around.
I am disgusted with myself.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
|
|
|
|
I feel like shit. Why? I don't even know if I can explain it. I realized I may have no life at all because right now I will be working 7 days a week at one job and 3 nights at the other. I also have school full time. A family that is dissconnected and a boyfriend who after a year decides he wants "a normal relationship". I myself feel dissconnected from just about everything and everyone. My life is becoming everything I never wanted. I never wanted to go to HFCC. I never wanted to be stuck in Dearborn. But here I am. Congratulations to me. I am 19 years old doing shit with my life. I blame myself. I just think to much a head sometimes. I have always known that I set myself up for failure. I put others before me and let them walk on me. Fuck this I need to make a new journal because some people read this and sometimes if not always I say the wrong things and piss people off. I wanted to change my life. I did. But somethings thing are screwed. Sometimes I just want to go back because I didn't a fuck abck then. Over the past twos years I have let my emotions and everybody else run the show. Back then I did. Honestly I don't know where anything is going and it drives me crazy. It just seems that all of it, my relationships, my life, just everything is going in the wrong directions. I wish I could predict the future. Because sometimes I am just wasting my time.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, January 5th, 2007
|
|
|
|
I am back in one of those moods where nothing seems to matter. I just try to sit back and let things pass by. I don't feel like myself and could care less what happens to me. These feelings just come and go. I wish I could just sleep all this away but work and other priorities keep from doing that.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, December 31st, 2006
|
|
Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
|
|
Thursday, November 23rd, 2006
|
|
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
|
|
|
I can't wait till this holiday is over. I think I am just going to sleepp tommorrow away. I don't feel like seeing anybody. There is no chance I could make it through the day. I just want it all to end as quickly as possible. It's better if I were to not see anyone because then I won't have to worry about getting anyone pissed at me. It seems that I excel at that.
Good night.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
|
|
Sunday, November 19th, 2006
|
|
|
I would like to apologize in advanced to anyone who is reading this pathetic excuse for a so called life.
I am getting sick of this thing. It just reminds how much I can't fucking stand to put up with myself. I really don't know how anyone could. I can't remember the last time I heard anything from any of my "friends". I've tried calling almost everyone in my phone but either A. They are too busy B. off somewhere else in college. C. don't have any money to do anything and expect me to pay or D. as I am talking to them I am rememinded why I stopped talking to them in the first place. I think I might be getting rid of this piece of shit soon and starting fresh or just fucking killing everything off all together. I wish it was as easy as deleting something online to start over with something new. Because when I try to, everything just gets thrown back in my face. Fuck all of this. The worse part is the thing that makes me most pathetic is how I have to complain to everyone out there who doesn't even listen. I can't stand to just sit wondering "What if's...." or "I guess...." or the "Well, I could have...". It all just sickens me more. I always said that I would never be the person who graduates from a Dearborn school and just ends up in HFCC. But fuck it. That is exactly where I am now. As usual plans blow up in my face and I am left with the last thing on earth that anyone would want to deal with. And I just let this all happen. Why? Because I am just a pathetic piece of trash who likes to stomp on and crumble everyone else's life becuse I am so dissatisfied with my own. I would rather torment this one then go out and get fucked up with that one. Hey, who can blame me. It's just what I learned growning up and living with her. Its amazing how one fucking person could destroy me for life. I realize now that seeing her and what was all happening was just a prediction to the future of how I was to be and what I was to become. It's all in the cards. That fucking piece of garbage delt them out and this fucking piece of trash picked them all up one by one.
Let the battle begin.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, November 16th, 2006
|
|
|
I have felt blank and vacent all day so far. She has a special way to make me feel that way. With the first call she set me up for the downfall with the second call. I always let her do that to me. It's funny to me that I learned my strength from her. Also, I inheritated her weakness and insanity from her. I hate going to school when I am like this because I just stare a head with a blank stare. This is always happening over and over again. I just let it all fall into place the break again. She's the type of person who would push you off the edge when your hanging on.
Most of the time I feel like I am just like her. Getting ready to push you over too.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
|
|
|
|
While I was standing outside the library ay school I noticed that about 30 people walked in and out. The thing that amazed me was that all but about 2 used the automatic handicaped doors. It amazes me that so many people are that lazy. They can't just use the little extra strength to open a door?
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, October 29th, 2006
|
|
|
I'm lost in my insanity
the misery you put me through
tearing away the feelings I had
A fear from myself
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, October 26th, 2006
|
|
|
|
Some may think that sitting around doing nothing for a week and having someone do anything you ask them to is wonderful. WRONG! I can't stand it anymore. Sitting around not being able to do anything I havn't been to work or school all week. I havn't had a cigarette in about three days. Pneumonia sucks. I hate sleeping all day. I don't know when I am going to be cold or hot I can't stand the constant coughing all day. UGH. I think that I am just so bored with no one to talk to all day. I am just thankful that I have the best person taking care of me so that I can get better.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
|
|
|
|
OMG! DITA VON TEESE ON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!!
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, October 12th, 2006
|
|
|
|
Evertrhing just has me so stressed out right now. Between the two jobs I work and full time at school I can't seem to get anything done. I am slacking off at Little Daddy's by calling off or begging someone else to close for me. I am behind in almost every class scrambling last min. to get any homework or papers done. I seem to just be chronicly ill for the past week or so. My head is constently pounding from all this frustration. I thought at first I could hold everything together but everyday it just seems impossible for me to even get up in the morning. I have to force myself to eat at times because I am constently feeling sick to my stomach with all the things I have to complete in one day. The work just keeps piling up more and more everytime I turn around. Right now it seems that the mass amounts of energy pills and drinks are the only thing that seem to keep up day to day. With the late nights and early mornings I can't seem to function.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
|
|
|
|
I need to find a place that I can dissappear. I feel kinda stupid right now for some things that have been going on. Maybe everyone eles was right but I still don't want to believe it. So if I do end up dissappearing for a while don't worry about it. Maybe I just can never feel content with anything I am right now? The lies that I hear and find out about drive me to insanity. They are what make me doubt everything I am doing and make me doubt the people I hang around with.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, August 11th, 2006
|
| Time: | 3:23 am. |
| Music: | Ugly Girl-Fiona Apple. |
|
For the past few days I have had this apathetic feeling to the things that really matter. That is where I fuck up the most. When I pretend to not care about things that really matter. I am fucking myself over with every desicion I am making recently. Everyday seems like it is getting worse and worse. But what really bothers me is how much all my friends tell me "If you ever need me you know that I am here". But the truth is when I start to tell them shit that is going on they either don't listen, argue, or don't care. So I have decided to just look out for myself. Fuck everybody else. I don't want you to care or worry about what I do. Because if I intend to fuck up my life at least I won't be bring anyone down with me and won't have to worry about what they think when I land myself somewhere I never needed to be. Tomorrow I see Jimmy and Brian. Me and Jimmy have been making plans for me to move to move to NYC with him. We were talking for a few hours today and he told me that he is sick of me being so far away and seeing me only a few times a year. So hopefully within in the next coming year I will be long gone and far away from the all the messes I have created here fro myself. No one can say that I belong here and need to stay so don't waste your breath unless you have a good enough reason for me to stay.
On a better note it was a riot for me to see Jon at Little Daddy's tonight. And to see what he left me for. This is dedicated to you.
When I saw you at the grocery store
You were sharin a shopping cart with her
And I couldn’t turn and run away
I didn’t know what to say
You introduced us for the first time
And I had to look her in the eye
But you could not have imagined my surprise
Can’t you see?
You’re leaving me
For an ugly girl
Does she talk about politics?
And all that stuff that used to makes me sick
Does she smoke cigars and stay up late
Oh she’s so great
Does she tell you what you want to here?
And I bet she could grow a beard
I feel better thinking you were queer
It’s not fair
I can’t compare
To an ugly girl
To an ugly girl
Lalalalalala lalalalalalala lalalalalalalala
Lalalalalalala
Lalalalalalalala
Lalalalalala hhahah
Hahaha the jokes on me
I feel jealous and I feel mean
She’s so nice
That it makes up for her face
There’s no way, do you have to keep your eyes closed
Do you have to keep the lights down low?
Oh I bet you wish you had a blind fold
CAN"T (instead of don't) you see you’re leaving me
For an ugly girl
For an ugly girl
She’s an ugly girl
A real ugly girl
Lalalalalalala lalalalalala lalalalalala lalalalalalala
She’s an ugly girl
An ugly girl ahh huhhh
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, July 29th, 2006
|
|
|
|
I'm not quit sure what is going on right now. I am finally officially out of high school. But now I feel like I am at a dead end. I am working 7 days a week at one job and another 5 days a week. But I also need to find time for school somewhere. I have never felt so confused in my life before. It's not just scholo it's everthing around me. No one seems to be giving me a straight answer about anything.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
youneedmetofail's journal