Did you ever see that one person?
And they way they do those things?
And it huts you so much.
Feels like choking.




Sometimes I sit and wonder what happened to my childhood? Where did it go? What actions of my own and people around me do to make me become the person I am? What made me want to change? How did I go from the young girl going to my sisters work at the strip clubs to the complete dependency on drugs to the picture taking obsessed and director that am I now? Some people tell me that I have lived a life. I did the rock star thing when I was in a band. Now I am helping local bands get shows and record CD's. I am an intern at the local paper and got to hang out with the Prime Minister of Malta. I did some free lance photography work. I am directing a movie. How did I get this way? Even though I have done a lot. I still want more. But is that going too far or asking too much?

I feel like sometimes I let the people around me control me in small ways. I'm just used to it. So it's weird when people ask me what I want to do. Just before my 18th birthday I had a friend tell me that I put everyone else above me. I think about it and realize that soemtimes I do. Slowly day by day I can feel my body failing me. But yet I just contiue with my movie and whatever else I am doing. Yea it sounds weird. But It's true the last time I went to the hospitle my doctor wanted to give me 5 different types of pills for this and that but I wouldn't take them. Why? Honestly I am afraid. I don't want to hear the test results. They don't matter to me. So what if there's a chemical inbalance. I feel fine most of the time. Yea the bruising is coming back but they go away in a day or two.







Basically in a nutshell........ I have a week off school and a lot of time to think.